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Weekly Rant



NBA Do you think the gay population is happy Jason Collins is the first team sport athlete to come out, or would they have preferred someone who ahem, isn’t completely awful at his trade? I think there are about 350 players in the Association who could carry that torch a little prouder than a fat assed layup blowing 12th man off the bench. In fact didn’t we all sort of prophesize this watershed moment when we watched him play and yelled “I think he blows.”

The Lakers were dusted in 4 games, and its now time to assess their future. Kobe will be coming off a major injury, and Dwight Howard has to be leaning towards leaving town. The rest of the roster looks like it has been carpet bombed by a B - 52. Steve Nash can barely drive by my wife, Gasol has a quarter of a tank of ethanol remaining and the rest of the cast makes me wonder if Mitch Kupchak swapped D league rosters with the Maine Red Claws. Can’t say I mind, I detest the Lakers, I will enjoy watching them get trounced for years to come. Tanking it won’t be easy either, not as long as the ultra competitive Kobe is on the team.

Does anyone out there like Blake Griffin’s game? He is the ultimate regular season player, out running his man for easy dunks, hitting short turnaround shots when being guarded by someone who doesn’t want to get physical. But the playoffs are more about half-court sets, and easy baskets are at a minimum. In this series Blake looks like the guy at the Y who you choose last and then move heaven and earth to make sure he plays on the wing and gets limited touches. Here’s an absurd theory. It seems as though the smoothness of a big man’s game is often matched (or in Blake’s case not matched) by the smoothness of his skin. Here are five awkward gangly NBA players who also happen to have skin that could double as a burlap sack. Duncan, Blake, Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol and Dirk. Compare those facial ruts with the countenances of fluid players such as Carmelo, LaMarcus Aldridge, Kevin Love, Chris Bosh and David West. The Clippers are done unless Blake gets on the Proactiv program in the next two hours.

NFL Nice job on all those mock drafts you ESPN dunces. Hours spent coming up with these futile lists, only to have them blown up in the 18th minute of the draft, could be more well spent applying axle grease to Mel Kiper’s head, implanting a personality into John Gruden or getting Ron Jaworski’s overbite retracted using steel wires and a monkey wrench.

Tim Tebow is a free agent, having been given his release by the New York Jets on April 29th, 2013. I’d still like to see some team give this guy a shot, similar to what he got in Denver. I have seen too many QB’s suck down the stretch of games. Tebow has something a lot of these guys don’t, an ability to get things done when it matters most. The Jets gave him 77 snaps, which is akin to telling a hooker to get in your car for the sole purpose of having her hold the wheel while you drive down the road pleasuring yourself.

The Jets have to be the most poorly run franchise this side of Jack in the Box. Now they have five stiff quarterbacks on their roster. There are so many Q’s printed on the roster, Rex is going to confuse the sheet of paper with a Dairy Queen menu and order up a pallet of Frosties. Think of the time that will be wasted giving all these QB guys snaps in camp. Most teams have three QB’s , and it’s considered a waste of the team’s time splitting snaps with a noodle armed 3rd string sub. To prepare for the onslaught of QB’s, the Jets have ordered up an extra 400 footballs and large marine nets to keep all those errant tosses from going out into the street.

NEWS The feel good story of the week was Chad Johnson taking a homeless guy out and bankrolling him for the day. This obviously puts him in the news, in the hopes of course that some team gives him a shot. Cuz teams are always scouring the police logs looking for washed up wife beaters who spend their spare time sleeping in cardboard boxes with winos and heroin addled gypsies. If Chad wants to get in the news with a feel good story, how about getting a little more current and try spooning Jason Collins at a seedy Motel 6?

IDIOTS This week’s biggest idiot goes to the imbeciles who bombed the marathon. Obviously bombing anything qualifies you as an idiot, but take a close look at what these morons did. They exploded not one, but two bombs and killed a grand total of three people. That’s akin to diving on top of an orgy and crawling out the bottom sucking your thumb. More people die from running marathons than the total number these mulyaks took out with their pressure cookers. You know you’re dealing with numbskulls when the trail of bomb residue leads you to the accessory aisle at Kitchen Etc. I was watching this unfold and actually thought to myself, these clowns are making me hungry. What other weapons did these two have in store? Possibly a Crock Pot Cannon and a Wok powered Uzi? Get down! He’s got a muffin tray and he’s headed right for us! I can envision these simpletons returning to headquarters after another botched attempt. How did the mission go guys? “I burn 3 women with waffle iron. Slap woman in face with spatula and shove man’s nipples into Nutra Bullet. Take break for lunch, then have brother stick small boy in privates with Tritan Spork.”