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5 Bacary Sagna : Looks like someone placed a wicker basket on his head and then fastened it to his cranium with 5 inch hex screws.

4 Mario Bolatelli : bleached look makes the striker’s head look like a caramel dipped bon bon.

3 David Luiz: Ridiculous looking bird’s nest could be better utilized by farming the abundant strands out to bald footballers like Landon Donovan and Thierry Henry.

2 Gervinho : First time this player strolled across my Tv, I thought I was watching a a rerun of the Martian Chronicles. Didn’t Captain Kirk kill this guy on board the Enterprise in the episode titled Spock’s Brain? . I can’t tell if he is going bald or his hair line is actually pro-ceeding and will eventually move down and cover his entire face. I would prefer the latter.

1 Marouane Fallaini The only known hairdo to post an undefeated record against the comb. This industrial strength mop of keratin looks like a sea anemone that washed ashore after getting shellacked by an oil spill. I swear one of these days the ball is going to get stuck in his ‘do, allowing him to be the first player ever to carry a ball into the goal using his hair.

The N.Y. Jets have to be the most poorly run franchise this side of Jack in the Box. Currently they have five stiff quarterbacks working out with the team. Apparently Rex Ryan and company are trying to assemble a pitching staff. There are so many Q’s printed on the roster, head coach Rex Ryan is going to confuse the list with a Dairy Queen menu and order up a pallet of Frosties. Geno Smith, the rookie second round pick, has been told he will be given every opportunity to win the starting job. In other words, if you can prove you can avoid running headfirst into your own lineman’s rectum and then fumbling the ball back towards your own end zone, you’re pretty much taking all the snaps.



FIFA held its annual UEFA Champions League final on Saturday, with Bayern Munich winning 2-1 vs German league rival Borussia Dortmund. Borussia came out the aggressors early on, playing with a World War II fervor that led to several scoring chances. Both goalies were spot on, and if it weren’t for Gus Johnson’s announcing, it would have been a classic. Gus announces a soccer match as if it’s no different from any of the sports he announces. For example in football its common to shout, “There’s a flag,” or, “This one’s coming back!” In soccer, one does not need to shout “It’s a yellow card!!!” A 15 yard penalty in football sucks for the team being marched backwards. In soccer a yellow card should actually be green, since the ref is essentially saying, “I will allow you to do that again before tossing your ass outta here for good.” Gus also screams every time a ball is crossed into the box, as if that is a rare play that should cause us all to get our underwear in a bind. Scoring is rare in soccer, flip out all you want when the ball goes in the net, but you don’t need to scarf down a case of 5 hour energy vials and scream for 90 minutes, “He gets by a defender! It’s a throw in for Bayern! He heads it, its passed back to the goalie! It’s!@## halftime! Halftime’s over!!! Here they come for the second half! The score is 0-0!!!! And the fans are going not so crazy!”

When Dortmund scored to make it 1-1 Gus shouted, “We got ourselves a ball game!!” Unless Gus was fiddling with his nut sack at the time, I see no need for this comment, nor do I completely understand why he needs to yell. Could someone at Fox explain the intricacies of Gus’s microphone in relation to my volume button? My neighbor called me at halftime and requested that I ask the black man in my living room to tone it down a bit. When has anyone ever used the term ball game for soccer? That would be like watching a pitcher’s duel and saying, “We got a real barnburner out here on the rink between these two gridiron giants!” A ball game is played with bats and gloves; soccer is a match that takes place on a pitch, and it would help if it were announced by someone with some cadence. I should also mention that due to soccer’s penchant for low scores, someone at Fox should alert Gus that when the score was 1-0, that was not exactly a situation where we didn’t have a “ball game.”

I feel bad for the color guy sitting next to him. Hi eardrums have to bleeding after the 30th minute, by the 90th he probably staggers out of the booth feeling like he’s had his hearing canals ruptured by a pressure cooker bomb. Just once I want to hear him go off after Gus bellows, “A cross played in!!!!”

Color Guy: Really? #@$$$% Gus, I’m two frigging feet away from you; you’re going to cause me to go deaf before I reach 40. Although given my job as your color commentator, that might actually be a blessing. And to boot that cross was clearly going over everyone’s heads anyway! Relax, take some Ritalin and I’ll wake you up on the rare occasion the ball goes in the net.”

The final goal of the game was scored in the 88th minute by Munich’s Arjen Robben. It was a nice goal which showcased Robben’s quickness and allowed him to finally shed his choker’s label by scoring a big goal in a meaningful game. But the goal should not have happened, since clearly Bayern took the restart a good 10 yards ahead of where the foul took place. This drives me nuts when refs complain back at me when I complain about teams that do this. Oh really, so the spot doesn’t matter, then why have a spot for the pk? Just place the ball wherever you want it, no big deal right ref? I’ll just drop it on the six and rip one home, appreciate the tip. Goal kick sir? We will just take it from midfield, thanks ref for pointing out that the laws of the game should be bent to assist your team. Is that a yellow card you are showing me? I will just rip it out of your hand and light it on fire with a bic lighter, since I don’t see the word ‘no’ nor the word ‘bic lighter’ anywhere in the rule book. In fact I don’t see the words rock or head trauma either, so when you get out to the parking lot I will just stove your skull in with a large stone in accordance with the rules.