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1 K.C. A boring draft kicks off with the choice of behemoth OL Luke Joeckel. The draft room suddenly smells like deer antler juice.
2 Jacksonville Who cares. Maybe a punter , since the one they have is one of the leagues most overworked players.
3 Oakland Oakland kicks off the post Al Davis era by choosing DT Shariff Floyd
Shariff promptly tweets “!!@#$# damn”
4 Philadelphia Eagles protect the dog killer with OT Lane Johnson.
5 Detroit The Lions take DE Ezekial Ansah, who will get to the QB, but unlike Ndamukong Suh, doesn’t follow up the sack with a kick to the quarterback’s nuts.
6 Cleveland The Browns take OLB Dion Jordan. Jordan retweets Shariff Floyd’s tweet .
7 Arizona The Cards take Alabama OT Luke Warmack. Most of the country is now asleep.
8 Bills puke all over themselves and choose QB Ryan Nassib. Hall of Famer Jim Kelly drives off the road and dies in a burning wreck.
9 Jets choose LB Barkevious Mingo. Rex Ryan excuses himself so he can go clean himself up in the men’s room.
10 Titans The Tits choose CB Dee Milliner. Milliner asks the commissioner if he can get a mulligan.
11 Chargers choose OG Jonathan Cooper. Most mock draft experts are now 2 for 12 and being handed pink slips.
12 Dolphins choose OT DJ Fluker to protect Ryan Tannehill, thereby giving Tannehill more time to survey the field and realize he has no targets to speak of.
13 Jets wet themselves upon realizing they can pick again, and muff the pick, choosing Tavon Austin, a speedster who will run down the field, then futilely try to run back up to the field to catch a wobbly skeet hurled out of Sanchez’s hand.
14 Panthers Safety Kenny Vaccaro from Texas will be drafted to shore up a sucky secondary. He will fail.
15 Saints will choose OLB Jarvis Jones. Jarvis will hold out of camp until he is compensated as the other members of the defense, with salary plus bounty money.
16 Rams, Given the Rams have chance in the division for the next decade, they choose not a person but rather an object: obtaining the rights to the Notre Dame video tower that failed to stay upright in the 2011 Indiana windstorm. The Rams promptly invite Jim Harbaugh to come as a guest and watch one of their practices.
17 Steelers choose ND TE Tyler Eifert.
18 Cowboys choose DT Sheldon Richardson hoping he is the next stud D lineman out of Missouri. He is not even close.
19 Giants replace Osi with Bjorn Werner despite no history of Swedes or German born Bjorns ever doing anything well in the NFL other than cheering.
20 Da Bears replace their LB departures with LB Alec Ogletree.
21 Cincinnati Bengals, fresh off another offensive playoff disaster, shore up the O with RB Eddie Lacy.
22 Rams use their second selection to choose FS Eric Reid.
23 Vikings choose WR Justin Hunter to replace Percy Harvin. Akin to puking all over oneself.
24 Colts with a suckass D in place the horse shoes go corner back and take Xavier Rhodes from Florida State. Don’t let the “Rhodes” part fool you, this kid skipped class about 85 percent of the time, which at Florida State counts as perfect attendance.
25 Vikings choose former internet hoax sucker Mante Te’o. Te’o receives the call that he’s been drafted, and promptly hangs up saying, “I ain’t falling for this stuff again.”
26 Green Bay chooses Safety Matt Elam.
27 Texans choose WR DeAndre Hopkins.
28 Broncos choose CB Desmond Trufant as its rumored he can follow simple instructions such as “do not let anyone behind you!!”
29 Patriots choose Datone Jones of UCLA.
30 Falcons reach big time and take DJ Hayden, fresh off chest surgery.
31 SF takes SS Jonathan Cyprien due to his strong play and more importantly his views on gay marriage.
32 Ravens bring round one to a screeching halt, replacing LB corp departures with Kevin Minter.