Tiger Woods now has to deal with the fact that a sex tape of he and one of his partners is out on the market. Unlike the Paris Hilton video and the Pam Anderson boat trip hammer-a- thon, Tiger’s romp is rumored to be a lot less of a turn on. The love making sounds are drowned out by the clattering of Tiger’s giant teeth up against the enamel of his partner, Elin Nordgren is behind the door screaming, “How long does it take for you to show that maid how to turn down the darn sheets?”, and of course there is Tiger’s caddy standing bedside telling him what to do.
Chad Ocho Sinko promised to change his name back to Chad Johnson if cornerback Darrelle Revis out played him last Sunday night in the NFL final regular season game. Game set match. Chad took the pipe in the contest, in fact he was so bad he should consider changing his name to Mrs. Revis. I’ll admit that Ocho has been fairly entertaining during his career, but this Twitter thing is out of control. He twitters so much, I seriously wonder if he leaves time to shower and spit shine his teeth. I understand he wants to be entertaining, but at what point do you lose focus on the game itself? Bengals should bow out quietly this week.
Dan Snyder hired Mike Shanahan yesterday to be the new head coach of the Washington Redskins. This is Dan’s 7th hire in 10 years. The NFL’s Rooney Rule requires every team to interview at least one black candidate for a head coaching job. What someone needs to tell Snyder is you don’t have to apply the rule every year. Snyder says he believes Mike is a good fit, which more or less means that Snyder’s foot fits perfectly up Shanahan’s ass.
I’m a little tired of hearing the following statement this past week after learning Patriots wideout Wes Welker is out for the season. “The Patriots should have done what the Colts did and took their starters out in a meaningless game.” The Colts pulled their starters late in the 3rd quarter of week 16. If the Patriots did what the Colts did, Wes Welker would have hopped up from his knee injury, and hobbled around the field for 2 more quarters until Bill Belichick walked out and put him out of his misery with a rifle shot to the heart.
Bill Belichick seems to think the poor field conditions were what led to Welker’s injury and publicly blasted Houston after the game. Strange, coming from a guy who routinely waters down certain areas of his home field to make life tough on opponents. A familiar sight an hour before home game kickoffs is Bill urinating all over the field with a trail of empty Flomax boxes scattered behind him. Gillette Stadium doesn’t exactly have a flawless track record either. Remember the game at Gillette after the field was used for the MLS title game? Place looked like it was carpet bombed by a squadron of B52’s.
One thing the Patriots did not do in their final game is play fantasy football and go for all sorts of goofy team records like the Colts did last Sunday. Tight end Dallas Clark caught his 100th pass of the season, it was a seven yard loss but who cares about playing the right way, let’s get in the records books. I’m surprised Dallas didn’t run the pass backwards into his own end zone so he could join Jim Marshall in the pantheon of NFL’s biggest dumbasses. He could have followed that up by pile driving the football into his own rectum, snapping a photo of it, Twittering it over to Ocho and waiting to see how the gold plaqued simpleton responded to that celebration later in the day. Then Dallas could have walked off the field and murdered his coach; an NFL first that even O.J. never touched.
The Colts were far from done by the way. Peyton glanced at the chalkboard, saw another meaningless milestone hen scratched on the board by Jim Caldwell, then proceeded to hitch up his panties and throw a bunch of one yard hitches to Reggie Wayne so Reggie could tell his grandkids he caught 100 passes in 2 seasons. Yippee. How did the Colts even know these records were available that day? Was Peyton in the huddle saying, “Toss right 67 slot. Let’s get this ball to Pierre so he can become the 89th receiver in Colts history to catch a pass in January from a crew-cutted redneck with a total of three n’s in his first and last names. On four.” Right after that play Peyton three a pick, securing a victory for the Bills and a win for Peyton in his Yahoo Survivor pool. Then the Colts set another record by becoming the gayest team in NFL history, barely edging the 2006 Colts. Then they hit the showers whereupon they set a record for the warmest water temperature ever in a locker room, the most baby powder ever applied by a group of athletes, and the most loving, heart felt post game speech ever.