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Vince Dry Heaves


The Pats rebounded from that devastating loss to the Colts by hammering the Jets at Gillette Stadium.  Rex Ryan was contrite after the game, and praised the Pats for outplaying his squad.  Then he retreated to the locker room so he could whittle a coffin for his team.

Now that the Titans are on a roll, fools are again starting to believe that Vince Young is for real.  Are you kidding?  Who have the Titans played?  No one. And while they have won four straight, Young has tossed the rock for an average of about 115 yards a game.  Young makes the forward pass look like a scientific experiment. The Titans PR team has gone out of their way to dress up Vince’s numbers so fans won’t understand how mediocre he is.  On Monday night for example Vince led his team to a 20-17 victory.  He completed two laterals, four pitches, 23 handoffs, and caught 17 shotgun formation snaps.  Vince successfully broke 72 huddles and created numerous playing opportunities for his punt team. In the passing department, Vince threw for over 340 feet, including four tight spirals, six wounded ducks, and seventeen wobbly-assed chuck heaves.

The Steelers choked on the pipe last Sunday, falling in overtime to the suckbag Chiefs.  Big Ben took a blow to the head, and appeared to be bereft of his senses on the sideline. Ben doesn’t look like a Rhodes Scholar when in control of his faculties, so no sane team doctor was going to make the decision to insert the addled fool back into the contest, especially considering he was on the sideline pouring smelling salts on a bucket of French fries. Ben’s injury left the game in the unsteady hands of Charlie Batch. Yes, Charlie friggin Batch. Then Batch got hurt avoiding the rush so he could hurl an incomplete pass into the stands (to his credit, the fan was wearing a Steeler jersey), leaving the Steelers completely undermanned at QB.

Big Ben said he’s going to play this week, and that the blow to his vagina was no big deal.  When informed that the blow occurred to the skull region, Ben said he wasn’t able to obtain the license plate on the flying saucer, but his attorney was looking into whether or not he was abducted and subsequently raped by aliens.   When asked what day it was, Ben replied, “It’s the sixth Sunday in ordinary time.”  Then he rubbed Vagisil on his privates and headed onto the practice field. If I were the Ravens, I’d send 11 men at Ben, twist him silly; then have a field day with whatever dolt the Steelers have at 3rd string.

How about those fantastic Thanksgiving Day NFL games? Would it be too much to ask for the Detroit Lions to step aside next year on Thanksgiving so the rest of the country can hold their food down? People are literally stuffing their bellies with carbs, then ambling to the TV in the hopes of seeing some talent on display, only to discover that the Lions have actually out-eaten them and are now stumbling around in some sort of Tryptophan haze down on the field. The Lions did not win a game last year, yet they were actually a better team because that Lion squad at least knew it sucked. This pack of nitwits takes the field with an arrogance that borders on ignorance. I know Stafford is a rookie, but does he know that NFL corners can see where he is looking before he throws it? He threw one on Thursday that was so bad, I thought the corner was going to signal fair catch. There are bad interceptions where you see it and remark, “Oh, he should have thrown that one away.” But Stafford makes throws that make you wonder if he’s fixing games or playing under the influence of ether.

The Raiders didn’t exactly make dessert any easier to digest either. The Raiders are so bad, my dinner guests not only left early, they told me to go %$$ myself. The Raiders quarterback is a guy named Gradowski. No idea who he is or where they got him, but if he’s playing for Tom Cable he probably possesses the ability to take a punch to the face. The final game of the day was between the Giants and Broncos. The game was televised on NFL Network and had “refund” written all over it. The Giants flat out blew, and although you could credit the Broncos for showing up, try keep in mind they were home and therefore actually live there.

Something smells fishy on the women’s side of track and field. Caster Semenya, an 18 year old from South Africa, has been blowing away the field in recent sprinting events, but a sex test on the runner now reveals that she/he/it has both male and female characteristics. The other women in the field are requesting that Caster run with the men, but there are opponents of this idea, who state that Caster belongs in the female races. I have a third option….. kill it. I know you’re thinking hey, that’s murder, you can’t do that! But it’s not murder. If you take the life of something that is neither a man nor a woman, that falls under the category of hunting.

The 100 meter dash is a bit of a racial event anyway. Think about it, a white guy fires a gun and eight black men run for their lives in the opposite direction. Then they break through the yellow tape so it looks like they’re escaping the crime scene. Sometimes you see a guy grab his leg and stop running; the announcer says he pulled a hammy. Give me a break, that guy got shot.