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TIGER WOODY, %$$$ HITS THE FAN

Tiger Woods had a solid weekend for himself. And before you go off on me, saying, “You’re just piling on because he’s black,” let me stop you right there. I am not piling on because he’s black, I’m piling on because he’s Thai. Every race has its own steroetype, but the folks from Thailand have coasted along for years without any sort of black eye on their personage. Till now. The most famous descendant of that country, with one crank of the steering wheel (and several downward tugs of his pants zipper), has now placed an onerous distinction on his fellow countrymen; namely that Thai folk cannot keep their pants on.
Tiger initially tried to weasel out of the mess, claiming he was in a minor accident, and that his wife came to his rescue. We now know the only thing his wife was trying to rescue was the car. If you’re going to lie, you gotta do better than the story he came out with after the accident. First of all, he claimed he was heading out at 2am. For what, an early tee time? Or was he heading out to search for Nicole Brown Simpson’s murderer? Then he smashes into a hydrant and follows that up by tagging a tree. The last guy to pull off that combination was 94 years old, and he had two bodies strewn across the windshield blocking his view. I don’t know about you, but when I hit something, I generally get out to survey the damage, thereby eliminating the potential for me to plow into a bunch of other shit. Tiger told the cops he mistook the gas for the brake. Seriously? It’s not like you’re driving around in a piano, there’s only two pedals down there, pick one Mozart. It seems fairly obvious to me that if you’re driving a car and it suddenly accelerates towards a tree while water gushes out of a water main behind you, you should TRY the other frigging pedal.
Tiger claimed his wife came to his rescue by smashing the window so he could climb out of the vehicle. Okay, first of all, how did your wife know you were out driving? Is she a zombie? Was she at the door blowing you kisses as you pulled out of the driveway at the crack of 2? Is this a common scene in the Wood’s household? Was Woods waving back saying, “Bye bye dear, I should be back around 3:56. Love you. Where am I going? Ummm, for breakfast. I love dem eggs. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m cheating on you or anything, look at me! Ooops, one of my seventeen cell phones is ringing, gotta grab it, don’t wait up. And stay out of my drawers!”
The fact that his wife ran out of the house with a golf club seemed strange as well. The scene had I was just beating him with this written all over it. A golf club is not typically the device one uses to free someone. The only scene more ridiculous would have been if she ran out to save him while clutching a vial of hemlock in one hand and a castration kit in the other. If I ever see my wife coming towards me with a golf club, I for one will not be uttering a sigh of relief.
The whole story is screaming domestic violence, but the cops are not going to pursue it. That’s spelled Pur$ue by the way. I think the cops are dropping the ball on this one. Last time there were signs of domestic violence in a famous athlete’s house, the end result was murder and a mad chase down the highway in pursuit of a white Bronco. Based on Tiger’s ability to operate a car while being pursued, a lot of innocent people could get run over.
I just hope the announcers aren’t phony when he returns to the course. Tell it like it is in other words. “Tiger is two up on hole fifteen. Good lie, not like that one he told after the accident. He’s going three iron here. That’s the very same club his wife used to mash his skull in back on Thanksgiving! Is it me or is the shaft slighly bent? Still a bit of dried blood on there too and what appears to be a piece of tooth. There’s a shot of Tiger’s wife, how long you give that marriage Bill? Boy does she look pissed. That other chick was smooooo-king. Maybe our cameraman could pan the crowd, see if she’s lurking out there somewhere.

The other shoe will drop when Tiger starts losing sponsorship deals. So far no company has dropped him, but who wants to buy a car whose spokesman is a skirt chaser? Maybe they could change the the promo so instead of Tiger driving a Buick down some ocean view drive, the ad depicts the ability of the car to accelerate away from a deranged broad running down the road waving a frying pan. Tiger could then wink at the camera as he pulls a pair of panties out of his glove compartment. Doubt it, but it’s worth a try. Tiger is also the face of many video golfing games. He may lose those contracts, but maybe his face will pop up on the next version of Grand Theft Auto. Lots of sex and rape in that game. If Tiger does lose any major deals, look for other companies to step in and fill the void. For example, Band Aids is a good fit right now, as is Giant Glass Windshield Replacement, Geico Car Insurance, and AstroLube.