Tiger Woods just won’t let up, the latest gossip is he is linked to a doctor who is under investigation for HGH. Tiger can claim that the slew of women he’s been linked to were merely exercises to help him improve his grip, but this HGH thing will be harder to explain. The doctor is from Canada, Tiger lives in Florida. Right around the corner in other words. How did Tiger even know this guy existed? I know several Floridians, and when they require medical assistance, they don’t turn to their wife and say, “Can you please hand me that Canadian phonebook? It’s right next to the Moroccan Yellow Pages. I’m having chest pains, I‘m going to fly a foreigner in to take a looksy. No one around here knows anything about hearts. I’ll use the private jet, it’ll save me from forking over the 25 dollar co-pay. He should be here by the time rigor mortis is setting in.”
Jerry Jones and the Cowboys are once again folding their tents in December. One thing Jerry forgot to install when he built his plush new stadium is an area where his players can vomit during the match.
An ad came on during last week’s Patriots game for some new drug, and as always the ad informed us of all the potential side effects. However this drug’s side effects made Schindler’s List look like a leaflet. Since when is sudden death a side effect? According to this ad, the drug will cause you to not only have headaches, nausea, chest pains, foot aches, diarrhea, tuberculosis, VD, mumps and shingles, it also causes you to go on killing sprees, commit adultery, road rage, cruelty to animals, and turn up buck naked in a dumpster at 2AM. It can lead to divorce, tardiness at work, global warming, your underwear band snapping and your toilet over flowing during a cocktail party. You may experience bleeding of the anus, rupture of the colon, bankruptcy, if you’re really unlucky it may result in a sudden desire to have carnal relations with barn animals.
Quick Celtics question; how long is this team, which is one of the best in the NBA, going to hang on to players like Brian Scalabrine? Seeing him on the court is akin to going to a five star restaurant and seeing Pop Tarts on the dessert menu. I remember back in the 80’s during the Bird Mchale era, the Celtics had quite a few good stiffs on the bench. Not bad ones, good ones. You rarely see any out there anymore, which is fine, but every once in while Doc Rivers shoves Scal onto the court. What’s even worse is the other coach counters that move by shoving his white guy out there and shouting, “Checkmate.”
The winter baseball meetings are going well for a few teams. I’ve never attended the meetings, but after scouring over the early deals, I’m left to wonder if the Red Sox, Yankees, Phillies, Angels and Mariners are the only teams who showed up. Maybe they have one big table where all the good teams sit, and then the Royals and Pirates and all the other suckbags go down into the hotel basement, sit at a small children’s table and trade Topps cards. Occasionally Hank Steinbrenner has to go down there and yell, “Quiet down in here, we’re making deals upstairs, many of them involving your players! I’ll let you know who we fleece from your ranks after we finish dinner. No one cares about Mike Gonzalez, just release him and pipe down already. And finish your Happy Meals, my revenue sharing paid for those things.”
MLB is a joke; and that joke’s punch line gets longer and longer every year. Ok, so every team could use a good centerfielder, but the Yankees, already the best team in the league, go out and get the best one available? The Red Sox have the best starting staff, so they of course go out and obtain the top free agent starter. MLB should consider changing the division names from East, West, and Central to Top Flight, Second Tier, Section 8, and Life Support. When the Yankees win a title, aside from handing out winner’s shares to the clubhouse guys, they should consider handing out cash to all the other teams who help stockpile their lineup. The other teams at these winter meetings must feel like they’re playing Risk and they’re down to their last plastic army guy. They make moves that don’t even require their teams’ attendance at the meetings. Why fly out to Indianapolis for the purpose of saying, “Ok Hank, you done? Granderson huh? Not bad, not bad, we thought about doing something there, but Curtis is going to be 64 in about 30 years so we decided to stick with our guy. Good ol’ what’s his name, I have it somewhere here. Irish kid. Anyway, our move? Good. Where are you going Hank, I sat through your moves. First off, we’re going to slide a few of our triple A guys down to Single A, they’ll all be notified by mail, most likely bulk rate. We’d like to release our second and third basemen to free up some lunch money, we’re also going to option our lefty reliever, and then we’re going to use that extra capital to tender our backup bullpen catcher a one year deal for 150 grand. Next year what do you guys say we hold these meetings at my house?”