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Bud Light

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I’d like to applaud Bud Adams for his behavior last Sunday in the Bills-Jaguars game.  Football that boring needs some entertainment, and Bud came through big time with his two handed bird flip to the opposing fans from up in his luxury box.  Bud has just earned the right to have his visage carved next to Al Davis on the Mt. Rushmore of Senile NFL owners.  Is Bud still driving a car? If so, it won’t be long before he is seen careening through a Tennessee marketplace in his vehicle with several mangled bodies strewn across the hood; Bud behind the wheel, both middle digits proudly exposed, wondering why his brakes aren’t working.

Gotta give Bud credit, he looked like he was having a grand ol’ time up there; it was as if he’d somehow discovered the fountain of youth. When I watched the video clip, my first assumption was they were shooting a remake of Cocoon in the owners’ box. Just curious, how many 86 year old men are going around these days with the name Bud?  He’s probably married to a broad named Kit, has two kids, Munch and Bolt, and a dog named Frank.   If the old coot had any chance of being a spokesman for the king of beers, he pretty much killed that deal on Sunday.   Poor Bills fans can’t feel to well after getting flipped off by a besotted octogenarian.  Haven’t Bills fans suffered enough with four Super Bowl losses and another losing season under the tutelage of now deposed coach Al Jauron, who strikes about as much fear into you as his evil twin Tim Kurkjian.

I watched Bud up there in the booth and a few questions came to mind.  Why the two handed middle finger gesture?  When flipping people off, most folks agree one is plenty. One middle finger tells the person he needs to bleep off. Two middle fingers screams, “Bleep off, but while you’re doing that, please get me some help.” It’s a classic case of less is more.  One middle finger has never failed me. Have you ever flipped someone off and had the cretin look back at you quizzically?    “Not sure what you mean by that padre, your right hand is telling me to go %$$ myself, but your left hand seems to be saying we’re cool.  Could you please be a little more specific?”

I was also a little confused as to why Bud would choose a game in which he won to exhibit that behavior.  Is the old man having trouble reading the scoreboard at his lofty age?  No Bud, you own the team in black, put your rocket back in your pants. Bud wound up getting fined 250K by the NFL.  He tried to weasel out of it by claiming he was simply telling the Bills fans that at their current pace, they would be drafting 11th.

Now that the dust has settled on the Pats-Indy game, and everyone in the country has chimed in with his lame opinion, let’s get one fact across; the zebras blew the call.  The NFL refs blow, and Sunday was another prime example of why we need full time refs and more challenges.  Three challenges is not enough, if I were coaching, I would ask for somewhere in the vicinity of four or five per minute.  I’d be holding so many red flags; it would be like I was pacing the sidelines clutching the AIDS quilt.  These refs are that bad.

Have you ever seen the look on the face of an 80 year old official after he returns from the replay camera?  It appears as if he is saying, “Where the hell was I when that happened?  And why am I wearing the outfit of a Footlocker salesman?”   The NFL doesn’t help itself by informing the fans that the refs are tin salesman and plumbers in the off season. Too much information.   I’m laying hard cash on a game, and you think I need to know that today’s official owns a septic tank cleaning company?  Got any photos to corroborate that?  Why don’t they throw these interesting facts out there on the players and coaches while they’re at it?  Announcer: “Backup QB Rich Calhoun is going into the game for the injured starter.  Rich sells cocaine in the off-season and works part time changing diapers at the Eastwood Nursing Home.  He’s also a part time gay waiter at Chili’s. He could be a star in this league according to his coach, who incidentally dresses up as the ass end of a donkey for children’s parties.”