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The WBC

The WBC ratings are floating in a cesspool, and supporters of the tournament can’t figure out why.  Here’s one possible reason.  Similar to the Olympics, this tourney pits countries against other countries for bragging rights to a particular sport, in this case baseball, which I don’t even consider a sport since players are only required to sprint about once every hour and a half unless their manager happens to be Larry Bowa.  The difference between the two is the Olympics takes the viewer to lands it has never seen before, magical places like Egypt and Morocco.  The WBC is a collection of third rate dumps, places where a Motel 6 is considered a palace, and where the most popular citizens are the ones who float away in raft made of coke bottles, as opposed to the citizens who choose to stick around and swat flies for the rest of their existence.

The tourney would be greatly improved by pitting squads of players with things in common, other than their native heritage.  For example, a team of players consisting entirely of those named on the Mitchell Report.  Managed by none other than………. George Mitchell.  Victor Conte could skipper the helm of a squad of Balco clients.  Think of the money he’d save not having to buy athletic supporters.    Then a dream team of players who have not been in any way linked to steroids, yet deep in our hearts, we all know these sons of bitches have cheated more than the ones who’ve been caught.   That squad could battle a team consisting of players who perjured themselves under oath.  Pete Rose could re enter the game as the manager of that team.  I’d personally like to watch a team of players who can’t speak English take the field vs. a team of guys who suddenly forget how to speak English when facing a court judge.   We could wrap it up with a game pitting the all time home run hitters taking on the characters in Jose Canseco’s books.

Ahhh, tourney time is upon us, and it can’t come soon enough.  Is there anything more annoying than Championship Week, the endless talk of bubble teams, and the yearly whining of coahces who don’t get invited to the Big Dance?  Do these coaches really thing we the fans give a rat’s rectum?

Exhibit A this year is St Mary’s.  Yes there is college called St. Mary’s and they do have a basketball team.  Putting aside their RPI and the their record for just a second, let me go way out on a limb here.  St Mary’s sucks.  I watched them play twice and ended up flipping to Home Shopping Network after being driven to the point of suicidal boredom.  There is not a single player on the team who plays an exciting brand of hoop.  The word Saint in their name is fitting, since the bulk of their shots are absolute prayers heaved rimward by a cabal of stiffs who would have trouble stopping the local hot shot down at the Y.  I don’t want to hear about RPI because if this got in, it would be R.I.P.    Another bitch and moaner was San Diego State.  I accidentally flipped on one of their games, which tend to fortunately air when most of America is in a peaceful slumber, including those in attendance,  and honestly thought I was watching a team try out to be the fodder in an upcoming game against the Harlem Globetrotters.   Small dumb players tossing the rock around like it was an unpinned hand grenade.  Just once I want to see a coach of one of these bubble teams stand up and say, “The committee did a great job by not selecting us this year.  We almost fooled ya all with our RPI and our record, but fortunately the committee was able to strip through the layers and realize that we completely eat donkey dung.  I’ve coached some bad teams, but this one was always able to reach down and get to a level of suckiness that others couldn’t match.  I look forward to bringing this cabal of stiffs to the NIT where it will get hammered by some 8th place Big Ten team. ”

The NIT is an even bigger catastrophe.  What exactly is it?  A tourney for teams that don’t make the tourney?  What about the bubble NIT teams?  Can we set up a tourney for them?  Call it the NOT.  Bubble NOT teams will be invited to the NO, otherwise known as the Microscopic Dance.   The NIT tourney is akin to the NFL saying, week 1 of the non playoff teams will pit the Browns against the Raiders.  The winner goes on to face the Lions in the Suckass Bowl on April 10th in Des Moines.

I wathced the NIT final last year, and have to say that the celebration after the final buzzer was astounding.  I could not figure out what all the jumping around was about.  There were no winners out there.  Only bottom feeders who had to sit out the NCAA tourney after a horrible year.  “We are number one!” was a chant I heard that evening.  I wanted to go up to each player and say, “No, you are not number 1, you are number 65.”  And the winner of the NCAA play in game would have every right to say, “Step aside chumps, you’re number 66.”