Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder has once again jumped into free agency as if it’s an episode of Supermarket Sweeps. Snyder has never seemed to grasp that putting together a winning team is a marathon, not a sprint. This would explain why his shopping carriage full of goodies tends to end the season sputtering down the aisle on a busted wheel, before ultimately smashing into a stack of cans. Snyder waited a full 6 hours after the free agency bell rang before plopping down 100 million to obtain Albert Haynesworth, whom most NFL insiders felt would receive offers in the 40-50 million range. Haynesworth evidently saw the deal come over the fax and promptly asked his agent if they could wait to reply while Albert sobered up, since he was obviously seeing double. Snyder then jumped on DeAngelo Hall, mugging his services for a cool 40 million. Hall was cut by the Raiders during the 2008 season, a feat considered about as difficult in the sporting world as batting .400 in MLB or failing to impress Dan Snyder. Hall was burned so badly in the past NFL season that one NFL receiver claimed he mistook the immobile cornerback for a ref. He said, “It wasn’t until the fourth quarter that I realized the man I was arguing with about a particular call was actually my opponent. Up to that point I thought he was a pretty bad ref. He sucks reeeeaaaaaly bad as a corner.”

Snyder surprisingly did not take a run at the nations’ top rated canine lover, Michael Vick. Dan must have missed the pet food aisle when he was shopping for the groceries. Thus far no team has expressed interest in Vick as a quarterback, but several teams have asked him to be their mascot.

According to inmates at the penitentiary where Vick is taking obedience classes, the one-time Atlanta Falcon has worked hard to rehab his image. One inmate said, “Mike has worked his butt to assimilate himself into the world of animals. He actually lifts his left leg when he urinates, begs for table scraps, and spends most of his time in his cell block licking his testicles.” Vick was not able to comment due to a Whammo Frisbee perched in his mouth.

Alex A-Needle met with MLB officials Sunday to discuss his past steroid use. Two days later A-Needle discovered a cyst on his rear end which could derail his World Baseball Classic plans and a romp in the sack with Madonna. A-Needle stated to reporters on Monday that he got the cyst from his cousin in the Dominican, and that he wasn’t aware of the cyst, or what a cyst even is, or whether such a pustule is illegal to have. A-Needle went on to say that he had the cyst when he was interviewed by Katie Couric, but did not tell her because he wasn’t being honest with himself at the time, along with the fact that he was wearing pants and was only 16 years old. Doctors in the Dominican said cysts have not occurred in the Republic for over 70 years. Barry Bonds, awaiting his trial on perjury, was asked if he had any cysts, and replied, “Yes but I thought they were flax seeds protruding from my buttocks.” Mark Maguire was also pressed for a response and in typical fashion said, “I am not here to talk about my ass.”

Two statements I keep hearing since the A-Needle fiasco that really tick me off are that first off, people need to stop stating that A-Needle admitted to steroid use. He got caught. If your wife or girlfriend walks into the bedroom and finds you squirting whip cream on some other woman, you don’t turn to her and say, “okay, I admit it……. I’m hungry.”

Secondly I hear people bitching that A-Needle is taking all the heat, and that lots of other athletes in football have been caught doing drugs. That is a pathetic comparison. Baseball players cheat and break hallowed records; in fact they crush those records and make them seem insignificant. Football players cheat and die from brain tumors. We’re still searching for the list of baseball players who cheated, the football players are on a list too, it’s called the obituaries. One can look across a baseball diamond and try to guess who is on drugs. Detecting a football player on roids is simple; he is often wearing two helmets, one to cover the second head growing out of his neck.